relationships.
HEHEHE, JUDY :)
anyways. lately. i've been wanted a relationship & actually thought i was ready for the emotional investment.. but i think god is truly trying to dissuade me. first, by having my good friend from taiwan who came to the u.s. this year for grad school, have so much trouble with her bf overseas. no, actually, first was sam's difficulty in finding stability. second, everyone on my floor is breaking up. third, friends who have had difficulties. fourth, movies i've been watching recently all end with broken .. relationships.. you know those chick flicks where the guy and girl don't end up with each other and its "For teh better" .. fifth, today my friend from the floor below me.. randomly came to talk to me about his girlfriend.
and i do not think i have ever been so terrified. he has a girlfriend from hell, but he loves her so much. she's naggy, but he bears through it because he truly thinks everything is worth it. its not as pathetic as i'm making it sound. truly sweet and genuine.. allusive to bridget jones' "i like you just the way you are" quote.
AGH! I JUST GOT INVITED TO GO TO DAVIS LAST MINUTE! I WOULD SO GO! BUT STUPID WORK TM!
anyways.......................... alex, the guy. we were talking about relationships.. and my lack of experience.. and his bad/good ones.. basically.. it made me understand sam more i guess. more empathetic, less bitter. more compassionate, less offended. . i mean, i doubt much can fill the void of a missing best friend and much can fix the insult of being replaced.. but actually, im not that down about it. sure, its sad. sure, i wish things were different. but life really.. does go on. nayways. TANGENT!
i realize.. that relationships are so much more. the relationships i'm looking for are so much more than i had expected. i want meaningful ones. everlasting. can you imagine being attached to someone 70% of your life? SEVENTY. holy moly. no crush of mine would ever last that long. not even will chang! haha (i can't beleive that was 2.5 years ago) and i just realize it will take a lot of God's work to give me the patience.. to literally live out two lives as one. mmm.. yeah. its not that simple.
i asked alex.. it must be hard to break up. its like loosing your best friend.
alex said.. nono.. its so much more than loosing your best friend...
(at first i was thinking, no! best friends rule! alex, you've got priorities mixed up, man! friends are better than boyfriends)
alex continues.. you share SO much with one person. you open yourself and its not even just physical. but they know everything about you, more than any best friend ever would. and you go through all this shit together.. just to stay together. i mean, friends are friends.. you can have friends anytime.. but girlfriends.. each is so special..
so i get it, i think. or at least a lot of it. the relationships i'm looking for are the ones he is talking about. no casual casual dating.. brings unnecessary instability. insecurity. pain. regret. boyfriends will actually HAVE to take place of friends one day. there will be one day.. when my future boyfriend will know me much better than any friend. no one will know me better than my husband..? no one. reflecting on it, its true. i mean,
there are no secrets i would keep from family and some friends.. but you live wiht your husband. you guys know every crevice of each others' personalities... EVERY one.. well, ideally. i'm making assumptions of the lack of real dysfunction, wife-beating, deceptive relationsihps.
and i guess i have a stronger grasp now. on understanding the actual depth of a relationship's intimacy. where more than just a song on the radio will remind you of a guy. but your entire.. life because you have basically shared that life in its entirety with them. moreover, there's the physical investment. you go farther than you ever have. constantly hugging. cuddling. holding hands. kissing (EWW!). feeling another person's body warmth will become second nature and once its gone, you'll miss it.. yearn for it.
which is why alex says, once you start dating, you'll never be able to stop. it'll just come one relationship after another.
it makes sense.
breaking up is scary. the ultimate vulnerability is right there. relationships aren't jsut fun and cute and chick flick-y. that is why i now believe that love will conquer all. can you imagine.. all the crap couples must wade through. i think once a person is willing to actually fling wide the gates to their hearts.. and to struggle consistently with faith that pain will be worthwhile in the end... once that risk is made.... i mean. the courage is indicative of how much one cares for teh other. how much affliction (of every kind) you will be willing to take just to be with them. its.. so powerful. overwhelmingly so.
and yeah. i'm nto going to be too scared to avoid relationships.. but the only difference between then and now.. is that i'm not gonna be sitting around on an egg.. praying that it will hatch soon. nono.. i'll bury the egg.. go swim around.. explore more.. and in a year, i'll come back to see if its still okay.
i'm going to try to cut through all the extraneous things.. the unnecessary heartache.. no casualness associated to teh word boyfriend. i mean, i'm not going to gaurd my heart so that i won't open myself to possibilities and won't let things slowly build up unexpectantly.. i appreciate spontaneity.. just when i take the leap of calling someone my boyfriend.. i'll pray for it. i'll meditate.. see if i'm truly ready. to see how deep this relationship can go. and, on that faithful day, when my heart is finally broken, it will have been worthwhile.
posted by Tiffany @ 11:44 PM
2 Comments:
i think what you said about dating is right. now...as the days go by i realize that this isn't some casual thing like in the movies. it's not just "oooooh they're DAAAAAATING!! oooh how cute. THEY HUGGED. aaawww" there's more. like when you hang out with them you tell them things that you normally don't tell others. it's as if you WANT them to know more about you. i dunno.
and thankfully, i haven't had to go through any troubles yet. it's all smooth sailing right now. i guess this is the happiest phase. what scares me the most is that the relationship becomes monotonous. and all that once made me happy would either lose it's charm, or become expected.
you know the phrase chicks before dicks right? well i still believe in it. i think that if there were a problem, i'd still choose you guys over him. but i really like him.
you know what's sad? it's only been what..five days? and i'm already starting to feel that it's been going on for a while. hahaha. we're not even official yet. maybe i'm going too fast with this.
i think it's scary, what you said about someone knowing everything about you. i really don't know if i could bring myself to let someone see all of me like that. i've always believed that too all of our family/friends, we always hold something back...something to keep us from becoming predictable....something that we cna still call our own. does that make sense? i wouldn't want someone to be able to read my like an open book. not all the time, that is. i like to keep a certain level of mysteriousness.
yay for you on your last two paragraph! dont' search. let it come to you. that way you know that it's really yours. i say have fun with life. don't worry about those kind of things. let God do whatever he has planned for you.
and a little note, kissing isn't EEEWWW. if you like and trust the person, you'll like them kissing you.
i feel like calling you guys right now. but i'm afraid you might be sleeping....
mmmmm. relationships. hard subject to grasp. hard subject to understand. very touchy to certain people.
don't know.
hahahaha but yeah, i completely agree with what you said and with what Alex said. because having a relationship with someone is truly so much more than just being a best friend. because, well, just look at the purpose of dating. it's courting someone to see if you're meant to spend the rest of your life together, and touching those waters is a really risky business. You get to know each other so well and so intimately that you just can't compare that relationship you have with say, your relationship with your best friend. i mean, yes both people will know you well and you'd be willing to share almost anything with both people, but the dynamic that having a boyfriend provides makes it so much more different.
and i'm really glad you're deciding to just wait for God's timing instead of going in search for a relationship yourself because whoever God brings you will definitely be worth the wait :) but just to warn you, you're going to start really wanting a relationship again eventually and well, just be careful. because there's a reason why God has his timing.
breaking up is really hard and really scary. because you invest so much time and emotion in one person and when it all ends, you feel broken. but the good news is, you get over it with time :) like don't be so scared of breaking up with someone that you never really open yourself up to them. taking that risk is inevitable but just don't go into a relationship blindly either.
and why do i say all this, pretending like i know a lot when i really don't... hahaha. well anyway, that's just my two bits. take it or leave it :P
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