i love judy

i love you judy <3

i have a feeling this entry will be long, mostly because i have a lot to say. just about christianity as a whole.

honestly, maybe the christianity that was forced upon you just didn't mesh with your personality.. and i don't mean.. different denominations and beliefs would be the answer.. but, comign to berkeley and especially visiting gospel churches, its just amazing to see all the diverse people come to love. its so eccentric and wonderful and pleasing and delightful to see.. a frail 70 year old white woman dance with a middle aged chinese woman while a black man sings gospel in teh back. its just.. SO breathtaking to see how vast god's love is. that church represents.. i think about 30 different countries from asia, africa, europe, s. america.. =) yay. but my point is, there are different styles of worshpping and living out a life for god. regardless of the small things you do, like partying and dancing around in your underwear in your room, i think the most important thing.. is just to love yourself, love others, and above all, love Him. if those three criteria are fulfilled, i think people definitely have a heart for God.. and, then, everything will follow afterwards.

honestly, its all in harmless fun. and though the things you do may not be especially glorifying to him, God is a father that loves you just as you are. exactly the way you are. okay. scratch that.. he LIKES you. he REALLY REALLY LIKES YOU. of course, god loves you, but he also likes you, you know? in general, families in particular, its hard not to love. deep down, you love your mother. you love your father and your sibs.. even though you may hate their guts with a fiery passion because of the things they have done, when it comes down to it, you'll do anything for them. you'll GO anywhere for them at anytime. if i called my mom in taiwan and told her i needed to go tot eh hospital, she'd be here in a heartbeat. LIKE.. like is different. like is you enjoy being with them every waking moment. it makes you smile to see them, to hear them talk, to laugh about things together. and that's what God feelsl for you. always. unwavering. you are just SO Beautiful and SO amazing to him. its stupid to think otherwise and hard not to love him back.

its like that quote.. someone who knows all your faults and still loves you just the same, is a true friend. that is God. a true friend. when i find friends like you guys who see everything i do wrong and how wretched i really am, it.. amazes me everytime to see you still want to hang out with me. and, instead of judging me, you guys comfort me, sometimes guide me with some constructive criticism.. and though i feel so humbled and kind of pathetic, i am so grateful and love you guys all teh more. and that is also how i feel about God.

he delights in you, just like a dad has fun watching you play around. he'll give you everything you need and perhaps want, just like a parent always brings home the groceries for you to eat and sometimes presents. you know what i mean? heidi baker, a speaker who came to berkeley, said that her children never ask her if they can take things out of the fridge to eat.. everything is available for them. likewise, we have full access to the things god wants to give in general. its just god prefers to buy fruit and not fatty junk.

yeah. there are limitations. only because they're best for us. from experience, everything taken away from me, everything that i've refrained from.. has never been in vain. i mean, i gave up jeff. and now i feel soo.. incredibly.. released. i don't know. i know good things will happen from not pursuing anything. i gave up andrew (guy #1) too, because i just know that i'm saving myself from future heartbreak. i gave up the partying in frats every week, because it just.. wasn't.. the same joy i got from doing somesthing to glorify my own daddy. i just get this immense joy, incomparable to any other, by singing worship.. knowing that i was pleasing someone so much greater. its like saying something that made will chang laugh, but infinitely better. it feels great.

i try to prevent these things from happening, because i know the suffering ahead wouldn't be intended. and, though that may make me sound like i'm afraid of life or scared of pain, but i am not. i am only building up enough strength, enough foundation to fight through some kind of affliction i know i'll bear through. its just.. prom drama. unneccessary and wasted time.. wasted friendships.

oh yeah. i gave up sunday mornings. that's teh part i hate teh most. but i know its making my buddy buddy happier, so i do it anyways. not out of guilt, but out of want to show my support and appreciation. eventually, i'll start liking it more.

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college is so eye-opening. there are just SO many people here and its SO diverse. but at the same time, there are still the cliques. the greeks, the nerds, teh snoobbish intellectuals, the athletes, the asian hardcore christians, the partiers... differnet majors. and you never expected to meet all these cool people with so many different backgrounds, stories, personalities... really everyone is a contribution to such a well-rounded populations (admission officers are quite teh tricky ones). its hard to beleive that god wanted us all to love him teh same way. and its hard to believe that god didn't want us to miss out, i think.. but i mean, assert yourself. i get sucked into everything just because i've never done it before. try a little, taste a little and move on.

there's no shame in drinking. nothing says its bad. just.. worshipping things that aren't of him. getting addicted. loving something more than we love him. is a sign that something is out of order.

and personally, i am not offended by your post. i don't think any of us are. because i can only speak for myself, there are so many times when i.. just didn't want to live a life for god. as a testimony.. this is part of an entry i wrote the beginning of this semester.. from my secret blog .. :P.. that i think you know about.

no! even with temptation of great friendship, comadrie, and guaranteed laughter, will not "lend" my heart, will not compromise dream of great love and great relationship with God.

assertively decided i will live a godly life. will not dream of being drunk and having wild, slutty parties with guys who reek testosterone, as in beer commercials. or even classy lifestyles as represented in ideal calvin klein eternity moment commercial, as commercial requires premarital intercourse. big no no. even willl not be tempted by great songs like norah jones and dreams of waking up in a modest apartment with painted white furniture and potted plants.. with rain pattering on teh windows and someone special next to me. :) of course not in gross implicated way by today's american standards. both fully dressed in pjs. boo on projected images. will happen when i am married though. will happen will happen. but meanwhile.. will dream of great life like a walk to remember. dare you to move. poke. poke. will budge. will move. will flow and get carried away. not onyl because i am terrible fearful of God, but also becase i want to be a pleasing living.. sacrifice. will build foundation in God. will not care about others judgement of my faith. will finally.. once again.. delight in the lord. DELIGHT. how joyful. foundation will be the beginning of great things. yes yes..great things.this will be my happily ever after. nancy is right. hope is dangerous. glad i live for danger ;)

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think i worry about the future too much.. about my relationships, career, living conditions, impact on the world... man, blogging is therapeutic. how do i give this all up to God? how do you just.. let go. and live life. and be yourself.

let go of all inhibitions to glorify him, freely live, and be disciplined. i feel like the pinball in the machines - allowed to freely prance about, but only within a restrained box, crashing randomly into walls as physics leads me from point a to b... to c to d to e. and everytime i loose momentum - everytime i begin to fall, BOOM! there's god flapping the little doodily dads to keep me in teh game. .. hm. or not. just a visual i got from thinking about living a disciplined life.

how can i live so that every move i make, i make in Him?

how can i bee myself and glorify him, when i am so impefect?

do i have to sacrifice my dream of romance, excitement, and glitter to live for him?

what can i do?

where can i start?

how can i just....... be satisfied with who i am?

some stupid questions. why? because by the time i finish typing them, i am already reminded of the obvious.

God has a much better life planned for you - one that could very well be overflowing with romance, excitement, glitter, and unimanginable bliss.. its not even called a sacrifice. its abandonment.

Follow God & his word, and when he calls upon you, he will.

Start by following him, by leaving behind all these "suckers." ewww.. idolizing worthless things. all worthlesss!!!Remember when you were most content with yourslef? Remember that it was the honeymoon phase, when you just started going to church? Remember that you even admitted aloud that the times when you were LIVING in joy was when you followed god. you didn't doubt god's intentions.

it just seems that when i am happy about my spirituality, its not as if life's problems disappear and solve themselves, but that they become less importnat and more defeatable.

it seems my worst enemy is myself and God is .. fighting me.. for me.

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i know a life seems like it can be perfectly fine following god's "rules" .. also, certain things seem harmless to the kingdom of god. i think god just put "rules," just like parents give us rules. i know it sounds like i'm rationalizing, but i'm not. he wants whats best for us. optimize our growth and relationship with him. if somehow, we end up not following these rules,.. its up to god's grace. and i can't say this loosely, but, for teh sake of length of this entry, i will.. god is the loving type who will give his grace to anyone who still wants to love him above all else.. just like our parents don't want us to widdle our lives away on teh computer.. they want us to go out and exercise, do wholesome things.. so we'lll be rosy-cheeked, healthy, and happy. but we do go on the computer. we break their hearts..and most of the time, at least i do, we feel bad about letting them down. ,but know we'll do the same again. but try not to talk on aim as much. but we still move on, loving each other.

and there are so many GREAT people leadin gthe most fantastic lives, like lance armstrong. but that's all they have. their lives. so ephemeral. so fragile. life.. is so short. (we're already 18/19.. and though that is young, that is still .. like a third/fourth of our life) almost to the point where it seems pointless to waste on things unneccessary.

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and, as a friend, i'm just concerned about you and da ge. not that i'm not happy for you, because i am happy that you are so happy, but just a precaution, i would think maybe take a serious evaluation of your relationship. is this a fling? are you looking for something more. honestly, why are you in this relationship. things just seem to be moving so fast, and for a lasting relationship, it just seems like you should respect each other like friends first and foremost.. and even though they won't mind and might even be glad to do so, using them to assauge own itching for physical closeness, may not be the most healthy basis. its almsot like doing each other favors instead of spending time building that strong bond by finding more about theri character. i know i have no right to say this, and i sound amazingly snobbish and out of place, but i'm only saying it out of concern for you. i've talked to a lot of people who've been in relationships before that didn't work out too great, and they just told me reasons they think it didn't work out and gave me tips as precautions. adn only because i know that if i were in a relationship, i would have lots of struggle with this. and also because i hopeyou guys teh best in your relationship.

i will still pray for you everyday.

and p.s. i was trying to make a joke about da ge and "sleep" . you know how people reallly.. hardcore..SLEEP SLEEP, but not really sleep, with each other. like.. sex it just sounded that way.

p.p.s. ssorry for the lenght. sorry for the didactic nature. sorry for any offense. i dind't mean to be awful. its just taht i love you so much and you've inspired me so much in high school, spiritually. i hate to see you find yoiurself distanced from him. i loveyou. i know i have no right, but i feel like i'm your sister and have an obligation to help out. and i might ahve gotten carried away. i blame my period for making me emotional :P

p.p.p.s. is there something big that's bothering you about christianity? something lying underneath some covered up ratinoalization?

p.p.p.p.s. can't wait to see you during sprig break!